on childhood

This is going to be in complete contradiction with what I have planned for blogging on Sunday but--

I want to go crazy.
I want to have complete and utter freedom.
I want to not care about anything, not worry about anyone.
I want to be able to throw myself wholly in something, invest all of my time and energy, not matter what.
I want to feel fantastic, be happy, live awesomely.
I want to immerse myself in people and drown out my whining inner voice.
I want to be horrible and mean and detached, cynical and callous.

I wish I could not give a fuck and do everything and get what I want because everything will be good and nice.